


Now I'm the Only One To Blame

by faceplantmay



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Actually davenport makes an appearance but as per usual is not a major character, F/F, It's like Davenport isn't in any of my works thus far and I feel awful about it, Jealousy, Multi, Sorry Davenport it looks like you're not in this one, Unrequited affection, someone has a crush and doesn't know what to do about it, sorry pal., trustlup got me on board the Lupcretia train and this is the source of that frustration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 20:04:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11698962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faceplantmay/pseuds/faceplantmay
Summary: Lucretia is still human, after all, despite the magic, despite the intergalactic space travel, despite living well past her years.Lucretia is still human, and gods, does that come with consequences.





	Now I'm the Only One To Blame

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally thought of as a drabble to the song "That Green Gentlemen" by Panic At the Disco, but, well, it then sort of came to life on its own. I do, however, plan on making that a thing eventually, but this, instead, is what I humbly offer you. 
> 
> I ended up aboard the Lupcretia train after following Trustlup on Tumblr, the same way I got into Bradko from Rockportlimited on Twitter, so here I stand before you, the trash shipper I am with my hand in angst pies. 
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr, faceplantmay.tumblr.com. Enjoy.

Her hands shook as she flipped page after page in her journal, skimming quickly through the carefully detailed -if slightly neurotic- notes and dates from her journeys. Lucretia grabbed her wine glass by the bowled top, throwing it back before tossing the book towards her bed, where it landed on a pile of similarly skewed journals, sending the mountain to the ground with a startling _thunk_.

The woman paid that no mind as she fumbled through more notes, strange pages scattered around her desk from pieces of paper she would tuck into her pockets for quick thoughts while on missions. Merle had gifted her a tiny, palm sized notepad a few makeshift Candle Nights ago, but it had since been filled with scribblings of quotes from the crew mid-battle, or mid-dinner conversation. She was supposed to record _everything_ for posterity, after all. 

"Found it."

Marked in Cycle 28, circled at the top with a tentative date from the assumed month and day, was just a single name. Sighing heavily, Lucretia reached underneath her feet, pulling out the sweet red wine bottle she had received from Taako just a cycle before. Its contents were magicked to only empty completely when she couldn't open the cork with a semblance of sobriety, and part of her was sure this was only because Taako had intended to give it as a joke gift to Merle, but felt it would be better served to her. With a small struggle, Lucretia was able to pull the cork out which gave a satisfying **pop!**. She bypassed the glass entirely this time, and instead took a swig straight from the bottle. It went down smoothly, and she stopped herself from drinking only by force of will.

And a knock at the door.

"Hey, Lucretia? You didn't come out for dinner, so Taako sent me to bring you a plate. Can I come in?" Merle didn't wait for a response, turning the knob to her room with a fumble. She watched as he tried again, amused slightly, and then waved her wand to unlatch the door, not looking up from the pages, not looking away from her wine. As Merle managed to come inside, it took a moment to adjust to the dark, save for a single lamp pointed directly at the desk top, casting odd shadows across the journal keeper's dark skin. "Lucretia?"

"Yes, Merle?"

"I brought your dinner."

"Yes, Merle, thank you. You can just leave it on the bed. I'm in the middle of something." She hadn't meant to sound so curt, and she bit her tongue to keep from apologizing for her rudeness; if it sent him away quicker, she could just blame being tired on being so cold, he would buy it. Merle was trusting, he would understa-

"Why is Lup's name circled? Are you writin' about us everyday? What'do you say about me in there? Write that I have a huge ding dong. That's gotta be important."

With a start, Lucretia threw her arms over her notes, thankful for the darkness of her bedroom to hide the rushing blush that spread across her face. The dwarf started just slightly, taking an instinctive step back at the suddenness of the usually meek woman's actions, which also spilled her bottle over and the sticky red liquid all over the floor.

"Get out! Get out, thank you for my dinner, but get out right now!" Lucretia closed the journal with a very sharp finality, rushing to scoop up the papers before they were stained by her alcohol. Merle reached out a hand to help, but she whipped around and snapped at him one last time before he took the hint and backed out of the room. Tossing her one final glance, he shut the door quietly and rested his forehead against the cold metal, listening as she cursed inside of her private quarters the possible loss of her work. 

\----

The next morning with met with some difficulty. Lucretia groaned and rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands, realizing slowly that she was in bed instead of at her desk where she last remembered falling asleep. Her thick bound journals were in various parts of her back and on her sheets, which meant she probably climbed directly on top of them to pass out. Except there was a deep rumbling snore coming from the floor beneath her. Magnus. 

Sitting up proved to be a challenge as her head swam around, lolling loosely on her neck. _Mental note, thank Taako for his gracious gift with something equally as potent._ The man on the ground groaned at the sound of her movement, and a weak half snore helped wake him. He sucked air through his nose and grunted out the remainder of sound as Lucretia swung her legs over the side of her mattress.

"You awake, Lucretia?"

Grimacing, she let out a hum of acknowledgement, and ran a hand down her face.

"Did you hear me yell at Merle last night?"

Magnus rolled onto his stomach, groaning as his back cracked from the stiff night of sleep. "No," he said, stretching out his limbs, "These rooms were pretty made to be pretty sound proof, apparently. No, Merle came and got me."

"I don't need to be taken care of like a child."

"He wasn't thinking of you as a child, he was worried about you as a friend." Magnus pushed himself up to a kneeling position, sitting even next to Lucretia, who had her eyes closed to avoid watching the room spin. He rested a careful hand below her knee, unsure of where their boundaries lie in terms of physical comfort. "After seeing you drunk last night, I have to say, I'm a little worried, too."

The journal keeper sighed, and threw herself backwards on the width of her bed. _Yikes, that was a mistake._ "Did I...say anything last night? To you?"

"About your crush on Lup? Not at all, not a word."

Lucretia sucked in air through her teeth.

"You said **several** words."

"Magnus, we really have to work on your dramatic reveal."

Magnus barked out a laugh and stood up, patting her leg with gentle precision. She groaned out a protest to the loudness, and he chuckled out an apology. 

"You seem like a pretty fun drunk, honestly. When I came in, you got me to dance with you, which has _never_ happened before. I don't think I've ever seen you dance."

"I **don't** dance."

Magnus laughed again and held out both of his hands in defense. "That's what you said last night, too. While floating all around the room." Lucretia groaned again, this time more out of embarrassment, and threw her arms out like wings. The human fighter took a chance and sat on the bed beside her, and she pat her hand as an invitation to come up next to her. He took this moment and not so gracefully slid up along side her, laying a comfortable distance away from the journal keeper. "So, Lup, huh?"

"Yep."

"For how long?"

"I don't know? Maybe since the final interview before we were chosen as the crew? Maybe the after the first cycle when she left the ship with Barry and Taako? Maybe when I saw how she watched Barry after that?"

"Barry?"

"Magnus, keep up, it's been almost four decades, there's no way you haven't seen how they act around each other."

He shook his head. Barry was an open book, of course. Magnus had put into the wage pool that he would never come around and say anything, but Taako was really positive Barry would make a huge hit with his sister, and now that Lucretia laid it out, it finally clicked. 

"Barry and Lup, huh."

"Yes."

"And you and Lup."

"Yes."

"And you and me."

"Magnus-"

She reached out her hand and slapped his thick stomach, which warbled while he laughed. "I was joking! You're getting sad. I was going to say you and Merle next if you hadn't hit me OW! Re!" He laughed out loud again, holding his stomach in a tight lock underneath his arms to keep her from hitting him more.

"Re?"

"Well, Taako calls Lup 'Lu-lu', and everyone kind of just took that to 'Lu', so I can't call you that. And what kind of nickname is 'Cretia?'"

"It sounds like a planet we found."

"Exactly. So Re."

"So Re. But just this once, while I'm hungover. Never again."

"Whatever you say, Re-Re." Magnus grunted out a strangled, cacophonous laugh as Lucretia sat up and pounded her fists against his torso, laughing despite her impending headache. He let her hit him a few more times before sitting up, too, and they took a glance at each other that sent them into a fit of giggles. The morning was difficult, but it could be worse. She could be alone.

\----

Cycle 41 started off challenging. 

Just the previous cycle, Lucretia had been left behind with Merle -which was _awkward_ \- and spent the remainder of the year trying to stay alive while also trying to keep Merle alive. Neither of these things were successful a couple of weeks in to their isolation, and together they fought until the end of their time. Before they were to die, Lucretia spent her final moments spewing out apology vomit for her drunken actions, to which Merle waved his hand at and pulled her into a hug as she died in his arms, him following suit only a little while later.

But this cycle was different. It wasn't just two or three of them fighting for their lives, it was the whole team. Davenport had stayed behind on the ship, which was flying just a few miles away trying to find somewhere safe to land so that they could board, but that was proving to be a bit more difficult than previously thought. Lup and Magnus brought up the rear of their party, Lup shouting off spells to the herds of wild, roaring, semi-translucent beasts that had been disturbed when Barry had stumbled upon a nest down in a cave. He had been devoured almost instantly, and from then on, the crew had been running. It had been a full solar rotation since the discovery of the nest, and with Barry gone, Lup had taken to acting a little more irrationally than usual. Magnus was practically carrying her as they were running away, and Lucretia had stopped for only a second to take note of the situation when one of the beasts bounded towards her. In an instant, both Taako and Lup were in front of her, wands blasting fireballs freely.

"Lucretia, are you _fucking kidding me?!_ Now is not the time!" Lup backed up into the woman, reaching back to grab the hand that was not currently writing as she readied to run. Just as Lucretia went to tuck the journal into her sling she wore fastened on her back, Lup screamed and threw herself forward, kicking the woman as she physically attacked a monster she could barely see. Which then opened its maw and swallowed her whole. As if she were nothing. 

Lucretia screamed. Or Taako screamed. Or they were both screaming, but either way, in almost no time at all, they were both hooked up under Magnus' arms, bouncing as he sprinted full speed towards the Starblaster which was currently parked a little over a mile away. Merle had reached it first, and spent half of his spell slots trying to keep the beasts from boarding the ship, hollering for them to run faster, as if they weren't already running as fast as Magnus could carry them and also Olympic Marathon sprint. 

With a full throated grunt, Magnus threw Taako and Lucretia into the ship first, pulling Railsplitter from his back. He swung wildly, striking a monster in what he assumed was its chest, hollering out for Davenport to close the door. 

"Magnus! No!" Lucretia was pulled further inside by Merle as the door raised up and cut off the world outside, leaving Magnus to defend their departure. 

Barry. Lup. Magnus.

"Lucretia." Merle had his arms wrapped around her from behind, and put his head square between her shoulder blades as the sound of Davenport kicking the ship into its fastest speed roared around them. Taako stood up shakily beside the two, hand on Merle's shoulder as support, before the ship righted and he was able to walk back to his room.

Almost every cycle was met with someone dying, and though they always came back at the start of the year, it didn't make the loss any less difficult to bear. Especially the more gruesome ones. Especially the ones that could have been avoided. 

Especially the ones where there was someone to blame.

Merle helped Lucretia to her feet as Davenport came from the Captain's chair to count their losses. Her hands shook, her legs shook, she was practically vibrating as they held her by her arms and guided her to her private quarters, Davenport stopping at Taako's room to console him alone.

Once they were in her room, Merle closed the door just in time; Lucretia was sliding to the floor in tears before he even let go of the knob, and he sat down next to her, lacing an arm around her shoulders. In the dark, she wept into her friend's comfort, cursing her job, cursing her habit, cursing herself.

"Lucretia, this wasn't your fault. We only have a couple of months until the start of the year, they'll be back soon, we just have to wait this one out."

"Merle. I didn't have to stop and write anything down! I shouldn't have! We just lost Barry in the cave, why did I stop to write? Why did I think I had the time?"

"Lucretia-"

"And Lup threw herself on that stupid...stupid _thing_ to keep it from coming after _me!_ " She coughed out a sob, and Merle pulled her closer. She turned into his arms, burying her head into his chest. "I never said...I never said thank you." The dwarf held her as tightly as he could manage, his hands tangled in her hair as her body shook. "I never told her _anything_!"

Merle could only offer soothing sounds as he pat her head. This wasn't something she could just recover from in the morning, and no amount of fantasy tylenol or showering would wash this away.

"Oh, Pan, Lucretia. I'm sorry."

He pressed his head against hers, and until she cried herself into a sleepy stupor, he stayed with her, never offering anything more than reassuring words. There's nothing you can say to someone who inadvertently killed the person they were in love with. After watching the person they love watch the person _they love_ die. There is nothing you can say to someone who is partially at fault.

All he could do was be there for her and quietly tuck her into bed, leaving the room as silently as possible, resting his head against the cold metal door while he listened to her cry herself to sleep. 

_Oh God._


End file.
